Weathered Heart by Nesta Ruegg-Aberdeen

The Unspoken Truth: Excerpts

Nesta — Fri, 09 Jul 2010 21:53:12 +0000

I MET GOD

“Be still and know that I am God”

When all understanding was lost on unexplained simplicities of life and love

When all hope was gone and I was standing there all by myself

On the highway to nowhere

Or so I thought

When I lost my sanity due to my own insane complexities

When my prayers were answered but I just didn’t recognize

Didn’t ask the right questions

Listening for the wrong answers

I blamed Him for my own intent and uncertainties

Making deals, wanting to have my own way

Wanting the gold medal for all my tears, my efforts

The love and life that should be mine

Or so I thought

On one perfectly, ordinary day I lost you and almost lost my way

But Just as I was about to give up

I met God

Life is a runaway

Spent my life chasing a love that just wasn’t going my way

Dying for a love that’s passed away

But through His tunnel of vision

He made me see that I had to lose you to find my way

Part of me may never understand His logics

May never agree with His tactics

But I’m giving His way a chance

I believe that He must have a special plan for my life

I believe in His goodness and love

I have no quiver of a doubt that He is working in my favour

I thank Him for the blessing that I have learnt my lesson

But every now and again I slip back into that same old person

Life keeps getting in the way

But my God is with me

And I pray, by me He’ll stay

He saved me from myself

The only reason I am alive today

God must really love me

Just as I was about to give up

Just as I was about to turn off the lights on life, end it all

I met God

My God loves me and I know His love will never end

********************************************************************************************************************************

STRONG ENOUGH TO CRY

A beautiful, black woman

That’s what I am

Strong with God on my side

And subtle at heart

But sometimes the storms of life

Blow in winds of surprise

And the truth is, sometimes I cry

I cry because that’s all I have

The problem with being strong

Is that no one believes you when you’re down

But I am strong enough to cry

My tears are not a sign of weakness, but freedom

After the storm, comes the calm

And with new wings of reflection and wisdom

I can fly

Happy I can’t always be

But I am really great being me

And strong enough to cry

***********************************************************************************************************************************

I HAVE LOVED RIGHT

I have loved

Yes I have loved

Criticize me for all that I’ve done

Maybe

I say maybe you think I’ve done wrong

But how can loving ever be wrong

Maybe it’s the how or the where

Maybe it’s the “who”

But however, wherever, whoever I’ve loved

I have loved right

Judge not for love cannot be judged

I can tell you of my pain

And I can tell you of my joys

I can count the million teardrops shed

But the laughter remains in my head

I could express my love deep and true

Believe me when I tell you

I’ve sampled the sweet and the sour

And in spite of it all

I have loved right

I have loved

The best way I know how

Maybe

I say maybe I have loved selfishly

In shameless ecstasy

Maybe it’s not all been fair

But to love I dare

Yes I have loved, deeply

Completely and I’ve fallen hard

Though it didn’t always last

In every circumstance

Each time I gave without holding back

And each time

I have loved right

Maybe

I say maybe

I have loved without experience

But not without knowledge

I’ve lost and I’ve gained

And I will love again

Love knows my name

I have loved

And always~

I have loved right

*************************************************************************************************************************************

A BEAUTIFUL MIND

I fell in love with his mind

If there were any physical attractions

I’ve by-passed them

I got touched by the heart

I fell in love with his mind

I’m not in it for a season but a lifetime

Nothing less

With thorns and weeds

Roses or musical chimes

I know we’ll be just fine

Emotions are running high

But I love this man without an indecent thought

I don’t need a lot

I share his beautiful heart

But he’s won my heart

This love, spiritual and deep

Trusted and sweet

Fills to overflow my pot of gold

And this “less” is so much more

Never have I felt his touch, his embrace

Or saliva-ed his kiss

But I bathe in the showers of his love

He’s my very special friend

My distant friend

With whom I fell in love

I fell in love

But I fell in love with his beautiful mind

*******************************************************************************************************************************************

I DON’ T KNOW YOU BUT…

I don’t know you but~

I want to reach out and touch you

I want to be close to you

I want to talk with you but say nothing

I want to gaze at you only when you’re not looking

I don’t know you but~

I want to be with you

I want to be deceived by you unknown

I don’t know you but~

That thrills me and I could love you, so easily

Still not knowing you

I don’t know you but~

I love the way your presence tickles my heart

Touches my being and warms my senses

I don’t know you but~

You bring out the best in me

The sweetest, most sensual part

I don’t know you but~

I like you and I want to maintain my not knowing you

Because I already like what I don’t know

And knowing more can only complicate~

That which thrills me

Deceives me and draws me to you

********************************************************************************************************************************************

BEFORE I GO

Before I go

Tell me of the eulogies untold

Tell me now while I live

Was I kind, was I funny

Tell me

Did I monopolize my time

Was my existence on this earth worthwhile

Tell me now

Before I go

Come, take my hand and dance with me one last dance

Walk with me, side by side

Pray with me one last prayer

Talk to me one last time

Before I go

Take the best of me

Take my cheerfulness and my gift to forgive

Take my loyalty

Take my special kind of love

Take the best

And before the manuscript of my life is covered with dust

Take the rest

Before I go

Let’s put on a show

I’ll put on my best dan-dan

I’ll do my own makeup

And paint the brightest smile on my face

That when I lie in my bed of dark – down below

Alone, still and blind

So will you remember me

In my private room, bright with a perpetual glow

Before I go

Hear my confession and gratitude, accept

May my heart be free from sorrow

And my thoughts pure

May peace find me and my spirit free

Before I go

And after I go

Let the orchestra play

Sing, dance and celebrate

With music and songs, even a few jokes

Don’t cry because it’s too late~

For “I’m sorry” or promises not kept

PLEASE NO REGRETS

Don’t let your days and your outlook be covered in black

It’s not what I’d want

Let the show go on

I’ll be the host and you, the guests

Moreover, the portrait of me that will hang in your hearts

Let it be a symbol, not of death

But of life

Not the fantasy life painted

The real life

The life I’ve lived

And when the time comes to lay me down

What truth will you tell

What rumours will spread around my everlasting bed

Never more to be heard

There where I lie

Let life grow

Butter-cups; jump up and kiss me and forget-me-nots

No artificial presence is authorized

Better Crotons, weeds and shrubs

Standing around the corners of my castle’s tomb

Bear in mind that I’m going to meet my sweetheart

The man in the moon

With my best dan-dan and my happiest smile

All dressed in white

Oh, I can hear the church bells ringing

And violins, hanging from the heavens

Remember my once carefree spirit

Remember my laughter before I stopped laughing

Remember me happy

Looking down on you, smiling from heaven’s balcony

Remember to smile when you think of me

LIFE IS A CROWD. SMILE LOUD!

Death can’t be that bad. After all, I’ve never met anyone who ever came back.

The Unspoken Truth: Foreword

Nesta — Fri, 09 Jul 2010 16:41:47 +0000

IT HAS EVERYTHING TO DO WITH ME

I remember too, that my husband heard the interview and the sentiments in his email that caught up with me some

thousand miles away; and the conversation that followed that very same night. It was not pleasant, but it was also not upsetting; not to me. It was not easy to make him understand that it has nothing to do with him and everything to do with me, painful as it might have been…it remained the truth.

“The line between love and pain is mighty thin when love enters in.”

It would have been so much easier had I ignored the question or lie, then I would have avoided all the unpleasantness and continue to hide behind my selfish, passionate truth. But recognizing, accepting and confessing my truth was the first positive step in letting go and a conscientious effort to change, allowing myself to start healing. In Rick warren – A CONFESSION HELPS YOU MOVE TOWARD TRANSFORMATION, he writes, “We will never be able to change until we openly and honestly and authentically admit our sin, our weakness, our fault, our frailty, our character defects, confessing this to ourselves, to God, and to other people… Just admit it. Stop making excuses; stop rationalizing; stop justifying; stop blaming other people. You’ve got to come clean about what everybody else sees but you won’t admit.” I totally agree!

Sorry though I was, that through my simple, spoken truth he felt a measure of hurt, perhaps somewhat less loved, less appreciated especially in the moment that separated us, but for me it was a moment of freedom, of renewed hope. It was not my intention to hurt him and offered no apology for my truth. It was personal, only for me.Why would you be disappointed in me? How can I disappoint you? By words I spit out? Actions I act upon? By the mistakes I make? Why do you give me the power? They are my mistakes and life’s way of teaching. How am I to learn life’s lessons if I don’t make life’s mistakes???

In the past, I would be offended that I was referred to as selfish. Now, I accept and say “thank you for the compliment.” I am selfish, because I am prepared to tell the truth knowing that it will cause some degree of pain or discomfort. I’m selfish, because I will take my chances, cost it what it will and be prepared to accept the consequences. I am selfish because I come first a lot more than is accepted or understood.

Trying to do what’s good and right and pleasing to God in my imperfect state, not without failure; but “When you come to God and say, “God, I want to own up to the weaknesses and the filth, the wrong in my life.” And you tell God, “This is who I really am,” God is not going to be surprised. God already knows, but he needs you to confess so the work of change can begin.” Rick Warren. I know that only then can I be free and at peace with me. God already knows. He is the owner and master of my life but I take full responsibility for my choices. My heart I own and that has everything to do with me.

I remember an interview that I had some years ago. I was asked if I still hurt. I remember contemplated, I answered with a simple “yes” not wanting to give out too much. Not wanting to get in too deep. For a brief moment, I was concerned about the feelings that I might have erupted in those I love (in this case my husband and friends, who in the past have blatantly expressed their opinion of me as selfish due to my openness and honesty) but the realization is, that it has nothing to do with him or them and everything to do with me. They are my feelings. It is my truth and my story.

The Unspoken Truth: Index

Nesta — Fri, 09 Jul 2010 15:40:35 +0000

THE WRITINGS

The only truth 1

My everlasting love 1

Choices are 2

Love is never enough 6

I am good enough 7

Paradox Paradise 9

Strong enough to cry 11

To dream to love 12

Until now 14

Bitter-sweet addiction 17

Unforgettable 18

Liar, Liar 18

Give me a reason 19

This love 21

You said… 23

Right or wrong 26

Wonderful 27

Breakdown 27

In that moment 28

I have loved right 30

Pushing through 32

Love woman love 33

Diamonds in my eyes 37

In the palm of your hands 40

What is the good in goodbye 43

Fool vs. fool 45

Hope or dream 49

The closet of love 51

Cheated happiness 52

Girlfriends 53

It 56

The duplicate 58

Divorce of friendship 59

Certificate of a friend 63

One moment 65

Everyday 65

Blinded vision 66

My musical bubble 66

You alone know, Lord / The Prayer 67

Stand up 69

I don’t know you but… 70

Now is the time 71

That’s talking 73

This day 73

I met God 74

Time 76

Life’s courtesies 77

Unmasked 78

Walking away 79

No longer 81

Lonely doesn’t do me good 84

You’re my bird / Fly 85

I can’t be mad at you 86

On Valentine’s Day 88

Forbidden love in open spaces 89

Grateful 92

(No) Invitation to love 93

While he sleeps 97

The golden silence 102

Love is… 103

Stupid heart 105

The unspoken truth 107

How does a mother know… 114

Today 116

Christmas without you 117

Wishful whispers 118

Truth or lie 119

Heart of truth 121

Baby, I owe you, me 122

Does love have eyes 126

Nature is truth 127

I, Butterfly 128

What tears can I cry 133

Being the best 136

An eye for an eye 138

Welcome to my world 139

The beauty lies within 142

Get up 145

A picture couldn’t smile like you 146

Life’s greatest achievement 146

Friends 147

My beautiful Spice Isle 148

Is it real 151

I lied to you 153

A beautiful mind 155

Joy! Oh what a happy thought 156

Before I go 157

Yes, because 160

Not sometimes but always 162

Something’s changed 163

A happy death 165

Linger 167

Madness 167

I don’t know why I write 168

A letter to my sweetheart 170

I can do that 172

Me 176

Hey 177

It’s hard being me 178

A gift of love 182

Heartbreaker 182

An unfinished love 183

Hearts don’t lie 184

Checking in 186

Blissful 188

The Unspoken truth: Author’s note

Nesta — Fri, 09 Jul 2010 14:53:19 +0000

This book of poems came alive for the mere reason that too

often I was left all alone with my thoughts and feelings and

my situation unknown to the living. The only way I knew

how to deal with the initial impact of what I was feeling, and

temporary release what I was going through was to write it

down. They are based on actual events, experiences and the

emotions that were felt in that moment.

This literal journey started at a very tender age as a means of

expressing my secret, innermost self. The secrets we keep in

the hideaway of our minds are devastating; the problems and

the hardships we struggle with each day and must face alone

for fear of being judged or misunderstood. “When you’re

low, and when you’re down only your heart can feel how sad

you see yourself as.” People are seldom ready to take the

time, to listen and accept the truth as only you know. Though

it is hidden, doesn’t mean that it’s forgotten. We believe

whatever we want to believe; whatever makes us sleep better

at nights.

I believe that we can live more intensive, that our lives can

be much more fulfilling if only we can see life’s real beauty,

and accept life’s truth.

We are all part of the drama on the stage of life and the

unspoken truth. Life is about experiencing the pain, the love,

the passion; the joy and the suffering and still coming out on

top not always unscarred. We don’t need a licence to help

each other. Together, we can conquer.

I use life’s experiences, my own and I’m guilty of stealing

from my friends too; and I write to express the lyrics of my

thoughts and emotions.

This very special relationship that I have developed with my

pen has allowed me to discover many things about myself,

many truths and has given me strength and filled many

voids. That tender, inner voice is no longer silent.

I have acknowledged that though these individual

experiences may be personal, they are not secrets but life.

Poetry makes one thinks and each piece of poetry can arouse

different feelings in different people. Perhaps, I write to

know that I am not alone. Perhaps you read to know that you

are not alone.

I hope that you enjoy my work as much as I have enjoyed

sharing it with you and together we can journey on life’s

highway through its chills and thrills.

In sharing my experiences with you, I hope that I would fuel

a change in your outlook on life, recognise that our lives

connect and not that different. I hope that, you may better

learn to listen to your inner voice, believe and trust the truth

you know, free yourself and rejoin the living; or just a

delightful form of entertainment.

Thank you and God Bless!

New Book. Coming soon!!!

Nesta — Sun, 13 Jun 2010 17:29:44 +0000

THE UNSPOKEN TRUTH delivers the promise, the written language of the heart. An extremely, intimate journey of life’s sweetest and most painful moments, the random thoughts; emotional confrontations and private experiences shared in its very personal, poetic form.The poems and prose are genuine and touch on a variety of topics, the basis of life, and love that beautiful feeling that adds and gives wings to life but too, the pain of lost love, the tears, the childlike longings and the struggles of letting go. Inspite of it all, there’s a positive twist in the realm of things: There’s the hope, the tenderness, the sweetness that must not be forgotten.

Impressions of Book Launch 2007

Nesta — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 13:05:24 +0000

Excerpts

Nesta — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 13:00:27 +0000

LET ME

Let me love

And if in loving I should lose myself

If in return no love should come

Then let me be thankful for the feeling

And let me try again

Let me give

And if in giving I should not receive

Let me be satisfied with just giving

But if in crying I should find myself again

Then let me rejoice in my tears

Let me smile

Let me laugh with you

And if ths laughter brings you joy

Warms your heart inside

Then let me smile

*****************************************************************************************************************************************

YOU GAVE ME THAT

You gave me what I was missing

A taste of adventure

A chance worth taking

And moments that add meaning to the life I was living

You showered me with affection

Each gentle touch

Each unspoken word

Each sweet, little thought has meant so much

The endless attention

The imaginary flowers

The song that warmed my heart

You gave me that

You brought me laughter

You coloured my smile

And though it took me time to give my heart

You remained patient and satisfied

Kept me close, held me gentle but tight

You never gave up ….. ….

I brought you laughter

I discovered your smile

I made you happy just being at your side

But you, you gave me love

Right from the start~

You gave me that

*******************************************************************************************************************************************

RIVER OF JOY

I go down to the waters’ edge

In the still of the night

I hope to find myself

But it’s only an empty river I find

Amidst the shadows in the darkness

I hide myself

And beauty in all its splendour and completeness~

Only half shared

I cry me a river

A river of joy

News

Nesta — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 18:09:17 +0000

Coming Soon