IT HAS EVERYTHING TO DO WITH ME

I remember too, that my husband heard the interview and the sentiments in his email that caught up with me some

thousand miles away; and the conversation that followed that very same night. It was not pleasant, but it was also not upsetting; not to me. It was not easy to make him understand that it has nothing to do with him and everything to do with me, painful as it might have been…it remained the truth.

“The line between love and pain is mighty thin when love enters in.”

It would have been so much easier had I ignored the question or lie, then I would have avoided all the unpleasantness and continue to hide behind my selfish, passionate truth. But recognizing, accepting and confessing my truth was the first positive step in letting go and a conscientious effort to change, allowing myself to start healing. In Rick warren – A CONFESSION HELPS YOU MOVE TOWARD TRANSFORMATION, he writes, “We will never be able to change until we openly and honestly and authentically admit our sin, our weakness, our fault, our frailty, our character defects, confessing this to ourselves, to God, and to other people… Just admit it. Stop making excuses; stop rationalizing; stop justifying; stop blaming other people. You’ve got to come clean about what everybody else sees but you won’t admit.” I totally agree! 

Sorry though I was, that through my simple, spoken truth he felt a measure of hurt, perhaps somewhat less loved, less appreciated especially in the moment that separated us, but for me it was a moment of freedom, of renewed hope. It was not my intention to hurt him and offered no apology for my truth. It was personal, only for me.Why would you be disappointed in me? How can I disappoint you? By words I spit out? Actions I act upon? By the mistakes I make? Why do you give me the power? They are my mistakes and life’s way of teaching. How am I to learn life’s lessons if I don’t make life’s mistakes??? 

In the past, I would be offended that I was referred to as selfish. Now, I accept and say “thank you for the compliment.” I am selfish, because I am prepared to tell the truth knowing that it will cause some degree of pain or discomfort. I’m selfish, because I will take my chances, cost it what it will and be prepared to accept the consequences. I am selfish because I come first a lot more than is accepted or understood.

Trying to do what’s good and right and pleasing to God in my imperfect state, not without failure; but “When you come to God and say, “God, I want to own up to the weaknesses and the filth, the wrong in my life.” And you tell God, “This is who I really am,” God is not going to be surprised. God already knows, but he needs you to confess so the work of change can begin.” Rick Warren. I know that only then can I be free and at peace with me. God already knows. He is the owner and master of my life but I take full responsibility for my choices. My heart I own and that has everything to do with me.